Better Days

Well the medical misadventure I have been on since May was corrected a couple weeks ago and hope is on the horizon for me. That's a plus. That, and I have a sneaking suspicion that my unemployment is coming to an end in the very near future. I am tiring of the day-to-day of reading and staring at walls and drinking too many Dr. Peppers. I need something more to occupy me.

I also have been having a lot of writing ideas screaming through my mind. So I'm going to try to commit to 3 pages a day (or so). Maybe short stories. Maybe the next great American novel. Time will tell.

A little light reading and then sleep beckons.

Still Present

Well a few more of you read this than I originally thought. I received a few "...ya doin' ok?" phone calls this week.

I am still here and still working through this.

My brother is, as of this writing, driving in tomorrow. He's a very occupied person with his work and, of late, his dogs ailing health. I have thrown another iron into his fire and he wants to drive in to see that I'm doing alright and also probably to offer a brief respite from my self-consumption.

I shot off to the hospital the night that I posted last. I wasn't made to be admitted and they tweaked my medication and sent me off. I am partly at fault for that because when offered that scenario as an expectation for my treatment that evening I seized onto it.

I am just supremely tired of this sickness, illness, affliction; call it what you will. I thought with my time in hospital and CRU that I had learned not only how to deal with it as it is, but also had happened upon a drug combination that was able to elevate me to a place of stability. I thought with the apartment and the job I was making great progress.

Pride is my biggest detriment at this point. I have known a life of 'normalcy', operating in the real world as a fully functioning adult. Having had those experiences I am able to see how pathetic my current situation really is. I can not do for myself what once I was able to do. I place fault on myself and I think that shoots all the way back to the first day that I was ever diagnosed with depression. I was 16. The doctor made the diagnosis and I looked to my mom and said, "I don't ever want to have to use depression as an excuse." I am unable to give the disease that power over me. So if I can't use depression as an excuse then I must be what is broken, right?

And To This I Return

I am drudging through another loathsome depression. This one, after a re-diagnosis, (and one I fully disagree with), has sunk me to such a low level that once unthinkable things are presenting themselves as suitable alternatives. If that sounds scary to you, try living in my ever unsilencing mind.

I am returned to economic insecurity that is partnered with an insecurity that is completely alien to me. I avoided a friends wedding last weekend because of an agoraphobia that has seized me lately. I begrudgingly attended a friends graduation and celebratory dinner this weekend, all the while feeling a level of anxiety that I am not used to, at all.

Though I disagree with the re-diagnosis, I have remained vigilant in my medication schedule. A pulsing headache, an unshakeable ennui and suicidal ideations permeate my existence. I am sapped of any confidence and, though it is the right and responsible thing to do, I avoid the necessary task of finding myself a job. The longer I wait, in no small part due to the lack of confidence mentioned above, the more dread I feel, that the deadlines approaching will slip past with me not meeting my responsibilities and feeling even more down, more likely to resort to alternatives that should be unthinkable. I can't bear the idea that I am failing at everything I attempt. 33 came a few weeks ago and I am back in the frame of mind that my best days are truly behind me.

A couple of junior high/high school friends have sought me out in the last few days. I don't want to avoid them but I really don't want to have to explain who I have not become. I am devoid of energy, drive, ambition. This is not who they once knew. This is not who I want to explain myself to now be.

This entire downward spiral can be targeted back to February/March of 2007. I have had my head above water for only a few months in the past two and a half years. I don't know for how much longer I can do this.

Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginnings End

I have received support and encouragement from places I fully had an expectation of support and also from those that I feel truly graced to have even received consideration from.

My father, whom I was certain would be happy for my recovery, surprised me with an overwhelming response of support and gratitude. The man whose name was once used by my older brother and myself as an insult of sorts has shown himself to be one of the wisest and most gracious people I know. Why is this revelation granted in my second decade of adulthood?

My friends and workout/running partners were moved to their apartments today. I am going to have to force myself to continue the workout regimen that has yielded some pretty exciting results, thus far. I am happy for them that they are able to move on, but I will miss them, as they have been my near constant companions for the previous few weeks.

I am having perpetual 'aha' moments, with regard to my recovery and just how closely associated with my depression it actually is. I will write about this more in the very near future. Before I do, however, I have to make some amends.

I have made 5 meetings in as many days. Tonight will be day 6. I am hopeful that I feel more welcome at this meeting than I was at last nights. I feel that, as a new member, some of the more advanced attendees regarded the new guys as an imposition to the meeting rather than the reason for it. And then again, maybe I was just being hyper-sensitive.

This seems enough for right now.

Until next time.

The Last Day of March

I have awoken today, only barely. Seems as though I just can't get the motor running. Meditation and napping have been very good for me today.

I am compiling characteristics of those around me. I know that in future writing I will be able to relate my experiences.

If anyone had forsight in even October of last year to tell me where I would be right now, I would have only been able to feel shame and embarrasment. But in this place, at this time, I am humbled and believe that this is the right place for me.

My writing, though matter-of-fact, will soon yield more of the comedic writing that I usually strive for.

On an uber-personal note, I attended my first and second SAA meetings in the past two days. I can't but think that my depression and the facade that has been created as a result is directly tied to my addiction. So, for the sake of therapy, I believe that SAA will help break down more of the barrier I have placed myself behind. I'll call my father and let him know that I, too, am in a 12-step program.

My posts to this blog, as evidenced thus far, will continue to be semi-infrequent, as I don't have constant access to computers. My usual stream-of-consciousness entries will probably be more of a pre-written entry, taken from my personal journal, as a result.

Books I have read/am reading: The Memory of Running, Confederacy of Dunces, The Sunflower, Mayan Prophecies for 2012, The Shack.

The Memory of Running and The Shack were both books suggested by and given to me by a close friend. I held onto The Memory of Running for the better part of a year (maybe more) but, ironically, it was the perfect time when I read it. The Shack, deals with a paradigm shift in Christian spirituality. I also held on to The Confederacy of Dunces since 2005. My brother sent it to me while I was working in New Orleans, post-Katrina. I take objection to his likening me to the main character, but the book, published posthumously, is a great read and a definite recommendation. The Sunflower, by Simon Wiesenthal, is an exercise in psychology, morality and theology. The question is, according to the subtitle, regarding the limits and possibilities of forgiveness. I am reading the responses to the story, a true telling of an actual event while Wiesenthal was in a Nazi concentration camp, and I will re-visit the story before passing it on. And finally, The Mayan Prophecies for 2012, and more specifically the question of what is to happen when their calendar, devised before Christ, comes to an end, is an interesting book written by a comparative theology professor. I have put that one off in favor of finishing The Sunflower, because 12/12/2012 is over three years away.

I also have An Altar on Earth, which is another interesting book dealing with spirituality and how we can attain peace and serenity and an understanding of God in even the most basic and mundane of our daily tasks. I am looking forward to cracking that open in the next day or two.

At this point, I am playing the waiting game, waiting for my meeting for my shelter-plus appointment. It should come through this week and I should then only be approximately 10 days away from moving into my apartment. Meeting with DARS and TWC should yield work opportunities and also the possibility for Grant approval to finish my degree.

With finally hitting a bottom, I am being forced to start anew. For too many years, I have been seeking to relieve myself of my possessions, though half-heartedly, at best. At this time, I am stripped bare. I am reminded of the saying, "Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it." But this is exactly where I want to be. I want, with this fresh start, to focus on keeping the simplicity in my life. I need to learn how to find a balance. A balance that allows healthy friendships, a productive work life and a discovery of activities and hobbies that will fulfill me.

This post has been longer than some. I will write more soon.

Until Next Time.

All's Well???

Well, well, well....I'm back in Texas. Drove in two weeks ago, today. Very dark. Very down. Told my brother and mother that the return was with the intent to enter the hospital. My actual intent was far more sinister. And an attempt was made. So, two days later, I was in the hospital. I was re-introduced to my medications. I balanced off. And now I am in a safer place. I will write more soon when I can.

To all of my IRL friends that have come to visit me and have offered encouragement thru phonecalls, I thank you more than you could possibly know. Now I need to work on myself.

Until Next Time.

I Found This PSA

When You Need a Bit of Silliness

Visit this blog: http://filletskillet.blogspot.com/

This Australian is incredibly witty (and silly) and is good for a few minutes of distraction. And he gets the honour (Australian spelling) of going on my blogroll, located on the right hand side of this very page.

Until Next Time...