Things I've Always Known (or, "Truths You Never Wanted To Know")

I am the 5th child of 5 (and a half), with divorced parents since I was 4. I never felt victimized, scarred or, when around friends whose parents were still married, awkward because of this fact. It was just how it was.

I have, since the age I acquired a sense of self, known that I felt something towards other boys that I didn't feel towards girls. It really came out when next-door-neighbor Bryan would wear his cowboy boots. It was at this time that I learned that blondes do it for me, too. So I made him my best friend. A friendship, I'll have you know, I was able to keep until high school, despite our both having moved to different cities at the age of 7. Looking back, it may have been my lame attempt at painting myself as a lothario at my school that keyed him into what was actually the pathetic cover story of a burgeoning homosexual. I can see why a lot of seniors wouldn't really be too keen on introducing their gay best friend. Our friendship, like many more in my future, simply faded away. Maybe I have trouble with good-byes???

I am incredibly trusting. I am fast friends with anyone. What I mean by these two traits is that I only have one level of friendship. I am as open with someone at week 2 of a friendship that I will be at year 2. I don't understand when someone is guarded with me.

I rest somewhere between intelligent and very intelligent. This frustrates me to no end. Ignorance would be better than where I am. Most often my reason for disrespecting someone is because of their lack of intelligence. I am not elitist. I just don't think the unintelligent should be placed in any position of authority.

I have an abrasive personality, at times. I am a very matter-of-fact person who sometimes (most times) neglects to factor other peoples feelings when looking at a situation. I typically only see the situation as it is. I have been called an asshole for this.

No one is ambivalent when it comes to me. I find the people that like me, they REALLY REALLY like me. The people that don't like me would be ok with me dying in a fiery car crash. Or, at the very least, just getting the FUCK away from them! Most people I know, they like me.

My father is a recovering alcoholic with 33 years sobriety. Go Dad! Oh, and thanks for passing the addictive personality down the line. My older (not oldest) sister seems to have been the only one to escape it. Unless being the best mom you can be is addictive. But seriously, we shouldn't reserve judgment on her just yet. She could develop a nasty pill habit in her 70's.

Mine is not alcohol or pills. Nope. Mine is sex. There. I said it. That's why it's so funny if you know me. Because for someone addicted to sex, I don't have a lot of it. (re: my latest dryspell) Well, let me help you with an analogy. Sure, an alcoholic can go out to bars, day after day, and drink himself sick with any bottle of liquor he chooses. But sometimes that guy just wants to stay in at home with his beer. Lots and lots of beer. As soon as he empties one, there's another one there waiting to be emptied, too. Following me? I've been drinking shit loads of beer for 3 years. I did go to the bar recently, though. I was in that bar for 5 hours. I tore that bar apart. It was fun. But the bar hasn't texted me back. Sadness.

I recently have come to recognize my debilitating depression of last year as the beginning of a mourning period for my dreams. I have come to a period of my life where my reality is in complete disagreement for how I have always KNOWN my life would turn out. I have not finished college. I managed to make it out of my 20's virtually relationship free. My job, residence and friendship lists could easily be described as transient. With the mourning came a collapse. I am in limbo. I cannot or will not act. I see no point.

There's a bit of my soul.