To Smash a Pumpkin

For those of you that know me, you know that I have been on a fantastic roller coaster ride of a debilitating depression for over a year now. My depression has manifested itself in a way that I had never experienced before. Usually episodic over 3 to 4 periods in a year, this depression has come off as almost manic, in nature. I am up for two to three weeks and then down for at least as long. As you might imagine, this is an exhausting way to try to live and work and go to school.

Exhausting really can't describe it. I had, after a year off after returning from New Orleans, post Katrina, enrolled full time back at MSU and maintained my job at the Kirb. The depression started in late February/early March, in this new form. I guess there is something to be said for how long I was able to last before breaking. The break came in October. I was done living. When your down that deep, you can't expect that your ups are really THAT up. So, between then and now I have been trying to just convince myself to accept the meaninglessness of my life. The down periods have had me working at 4 different companies since November with a 6 week unemployment period sprinkled in for good measure. Don't get me wrong. I have had some decent 'up' periods where I wanted to take charge again, and plan for a future, and finish my degree, and...whatever. Now is not one of those periods.

I might have more to add to this post later.