I've done it again. I've managed to listen to a song and apply it, without reservation or edit, to my life, exactly as it is now. Of course, being in a depression where I am despondent over my lack of worth combined with a self-loathing, in general, probably helped out with it.
So, I've had this song on 'repeat' in my car. Listening to it, ad nauseum, never tiring of its current relevance. This is where my gayness flares up, because this most recent incarnation of my existential truth is from the cast recording of 'Aida'. Amneris sings this song towards the end of the show. Where she might have derived strength from it, (being that she was a princess, ready to assume control of her kingdom), I can only belabor that it paints, in musical form, a clear map of my failures, to date. I have no better future to prepare for, as she did.
I Know The Truth
How did I come to this?
How did I slip and fall?
How did I throw half a lifetime away
Without any thought at all?
This should have been my time
It's over, it never began
I closed my eyes to so much for so long
and I no longer can
I try to blame it on fortune
Some kind of shift in a star
But I know the truth and it haunts me
It's flown just a little too far
I know the truth and it mocks me
I know the truth and it shocks me
It's flown just a little too far.
That's me, in a nutshell.
2 Messages of Encouragement Received Today:
While I HATE to see you depressed... I love to see you write! I love you. I think you're fantastic. I hope you know that.
That is what I mean! You BECOME your thoughts. I understand that the song seems to apply to your life. Change your life so that is doesn't apply! And don't sing that song in your head or out loud anymore. Choose one that is more promising. That is how you can change your depression ~ change the things you think about.
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