And To This I Return

I am drudging through another loathsome depression. This one, after a re-diagnosis, (and one I fully disagree with), has sunk me to such a low level that once unthinkable things are presenting themselves as suitable alternatives. If that sounds scary to you, try living in my ever unsilencing mind.

I am returned to economic insecurity that is partnered with an insecurity that is completely alien to me. I avoided a friends wedding last weekend because of an agoraphobia that has seized me lately. I begrudgingly attended a friends graduation and celebratory dinner this weekend, all the while feeling a level of anxiety that I am not used to, at all.

Though I disagree with the re-diagnosis, I have remained vigilant in my medication schedule. A pulsing headache, an unshakeable ennui and suicidal ideations permeate my existence. I am sapped of any confidence and, though it is the right and responsible thing to do, I avoid the necessary task of finding myself a job. The longer I wait, in no small part due to the lack of confidence mentioned above, the more dread I feel, that the deadlines approaching will slip past with me not meeting my responsibilities and feeling even more down, more likely to resort to alternatives that should be unthinkable. I can't bear the idea that I am failing at everything I attempt. 33 came a few weeks ago and I am back in the frame of mind that my best days are truly behind me.

A couple of junior high/high school friends have sought me out in the last few days. I don't want to avoid them but I really don't want to have to explain who I have not become. I am devoid of energy, drive, ambition. This is not who they once knew. This is not who I want to explain myself to now be.

This entire downward spiral can be targeted back to February/March of 2007. I have had my head above water for only a few months in the past two and a half years. I don't know for how much longer I can do this.